Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
