I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
