My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
