I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
