I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
