I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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