I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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