I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
