While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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