I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
