that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
