Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
