You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
