So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize