I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize