I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
