Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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