I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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