I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
