I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
