i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
