I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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