Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
