I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
