Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think i have two assholes
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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