so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
