it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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