glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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