I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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