dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
