there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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