I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
