he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
