So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
