I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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