I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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