Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
