i jhust puked up my retainher.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
