Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I am naked and annoyed.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
