theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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