I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
