I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
