Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize