Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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