Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
