She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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