that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
