I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
