I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
