Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
