I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
