And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
