and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
