Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
