best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
