dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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