Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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