I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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