Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
