I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
