I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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