I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize