I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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