Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize