pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
